floral renegade shower creature

i wrote a rather long (though not exhaustive) list of things i fear
but i don’t want to include it
lest i fall prey to a sadist with unlimited funds,
so I will just say this:

i am afraid of nearly everything,
but the wonderful, spectacular thing about universal fear,
is that if you combine it with a fierce desire to live,
it often winds up looking a whole lot like
being afraid of nothing at all.

here’s to being way too much of a bitch to take this shit.

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fortune cookie bullshit

You have to eat them to honor them but I hate the sugar egg taste of those things. It coupled well with a Prom date that didn’t work out ‘cause my crushes land on men in drag; Orlando in that platinum wig bloomed in my fifth grade knickers, but that don’t make my sex life any clearer. It’s hazy as ever these days.

Babysat a baby for a couple hours. Confirmed ‘Vacancy’ is the sign I want lightin’ up my womb. If I were a demon though, I’d birth my babies in a beach bathroom among the centipedes and roaches. Sustenance aplenty.

I know it’s been a little while since I surfaced on the blogosphere but my lashes been different since January and I’m searching for a mascara to fix a broken heart.

On the upside, I no longer have to save my pretty underwear for anyone.

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rock doves and power drills

i am thankful for:

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  • thrift stores. i bought the emerald velvet dress in this post for $10 at a store in California. i wear it whenever i want to feel like an Irish pixie or a Lord of the Rings elf. it’s magical.

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  • the rock doves in the alley outside my window. i don’t have family here, but they’ve been so kind and are wonderful listeners. i’ve attentively watched the little squabs grow into upstanding city pigeons and am very proud.

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  • the block of cheese in my refrigerator. a few nights ago i drunkenly dropped it on the ground and a piece of hair stuck to it but i had a slice last night, post-Thanksgiving feasting, and it still tasted delicious.

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  • my electric toothbrush. it just tickles and stuff and it makes my teeth feel real clean and slimy, like i just got my braces off all over again.

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  • my parents. they continue to answer the phone even though they already know i’m probably just calling because i’m bored and want to buy some new shoes.

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  • airports. there aren’t many people that genuinely love airports, but i don’t mind the lines or gross food or sickly air as long as it means i’m going somewhere. on a side note, in fifth grade my friend and i played the Wright brothers in a musical. i remember that i borrowed my brothers’ clothes for the occasion but the only line i recall is, “we are the Wright, Wright brothers…” because it was repeated like a zillion times in the song. not my proudest moment.

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  • power drills. i don’t even want to think about long it would have taken to fix my bed last week without one. not that i was really doing most of the work because i had a boything over and was pretty content to watch him do it. (yes, i’m also thankful for boythings)

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  • school. seriously i love school and want to learn things forever and always, shut up.

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  • my pelvis. the aforementioned boything and i had a discussion about what a bust life would be without a pelvis and i realized that i’ve not been giving mine the appreciation it deserves. i encourage all of you stop and think about the amazing things your pelvis does.

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  • my stupid brothers. they’re my favorite people in the entire world and there is not a single thing i wouldn’t do for them, except eat a cockroach… maybe. honestly, i could probably even be convinced to do that.

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  • really great kissers. i don’t mean your average, run of the mill, fun to lock lips with humans. these are special and i think i’ve only kissed two. admittedly, the first one may have only seemed so great because he was foreign and older and said lots of pretty things to me in spanish, but even so, i am extremely glad they exist. if you’re not, it’s surely because you haven’t kissed one. trust me.
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i am the garden of eden

i debated writing something for you, but then realized someone else said it better:

“This is where you first failed us. You gave us minds and told us not to think.
You gave us curiosity and put a booby-trapped tree right in front of us.
You gave us sex and told us not to do it.
You played three-card monte with our souls from day one,
and when we couldn’t find the queen, you sent us to Hell to be tortured for eternity.
That was your great plan for humanity?
All you gave us here was daisies and fairy tales and you acted like that was enough.
How were we supposed to resist evil when you didn’t even tell us about it?”
Richard Kadrey, Aloha from Hell

Happy Halloween.

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i’d like to propose a toast

a toast to my unread book collection, tricking even the clever visitors.
to the jar of unwashed beer bottle caps i keep on my dresser… they reek… seriously, i should rinse that shit.
to braless blouse wearing and dirtied feet soles, as well as other soul varieties.
to my resume of mistakes and my engraved flask: “good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”

a toast to my married friends, and by “friends” i mean middle school acquaintances with whom i deliberately lost touch.
to chalkboard paint and sailor mouths and sequined hand-me-downs.
to the brother that crushes on girls like me or at least his gilded image of me.
to make-up i can sweat in.

a toast to grown up baby dolls clinging to their schoolgirl looks to ward off real men.
to manhattan roof tops low enough to hear the satisfying plop of a spit wad from the top.
to rain storms pretending to wash the dog piss and cat piss and drunken man piss into the sewers.
to my favorite kiss: i hope we meet again and you see that the braces did their job.
to bathroom lovers so entranced they can’t take the time to get a damn room.
to in-flight magazines with real life mermaid cover stories and half-completed sudoku puzzles.

and a toast to the boys that admit it’s them when i’m positive it’s not me.

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i would like to thank my unfathomably talented cousin Lucien for
taking these photos and for generally being a lovely, inspiring human being.
you can see more of his work on his YouTube channel:

Lucien Dante

and if you’re lucky, you may even find the duet we taped after taking these photos!

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yes, i would like seven men to wait on me


aside from the extensive ridicule
regarding the tone of my skin in
comparison to my beautifully golden,
water polo-playing, sunscreen-fearing brothers,
home welcomed me with warm, sandy angel kisses.

after having found nowhere suitable to swim
in New York City for the last seven months (!),
i was more than willing to accept the nickname
“Snow White” in exchange for an oceanic embrace
and some (slightly violent) hair tugs from a rip current.

after all, Snow White looks more like Dita Von Teese
than any of the other Disney harlots,
so i suppose if i had to pick one to resemble,
it would be her (or Ariel… mermaid, duh).
her royal position doesn’t hurt either,
and though some may not agree,
i think that suits me.

all i’m saying is that i didn’t have to
ask anyone for permission to be a princess,
i just woke up one day and decided it would be so.

as A Little Princess‘s Sara Crewe would say:
“I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics.
Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren’t pretty, or smart, or young.
They’re still princesses. All of us. Didn’t your father ever tell you that? Didn’t he?”

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in honor of coming home to a daddy that always makes me feel like a princess.

 

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concrete jungle

i have officially unpacked all of my belongings and
am seriously relieved to feel like i have a home again,
instead of a pile of boxes containing my life’s entirety.

i will be publishing some photos of my
bedroom soon because it is absolutely lovely.
not to brag or anything because
i’m really not good at very many things,
but when it comes to designing spaces that tell you
everything you need to know about me,
i’m a badass-glittery-glow-in-the-dark-safari-goddess.

that being said, these photos were taken in the courtyard behind our building, which is only accessible via window so some crawling on the ground did take place to get them.

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